


What in Ciph' Nation?

by Cipherian



Category: Original Work
Genre: Barack Obama is a robot in chapter 2, Drabble Collection, Gen, Oh yeah Barack Obama is here too, Original Fiction, Randomness, Robots, Supernatural Elements, Swearing, Violence, Weird Plot Shit, Weirdness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:49:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26463691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cipherian/pseuds/Cipherian
Summary: I like to write a lot of strange, nonsensical fiction in my spare time or just whenever I can / want to.Here, I shall share some of the strange stuff I've written. Some are long, others short. Some are light hearted and others are less so, but all are strange, weird or completely absurd.Hopefully, you'll enjoy :)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	1. The Midnight Bus to Nowhere

**Author's Note:**

> The wheels on the bus, go round and round.  
> But where does the bus go?

They've always told me, if you're waiting for a bus and one arrives dead on midnight, never get on. People who do, are never seen again. As if they vanished.

Well, I'm sure you've heard of the phrase "Curiousity killed the Cat". So when a bus arrives at midnight, at the bus stop I'm waiting at, I have to know what happens and where these people go.

My name is Aubrey, I've boarded the Midnight Bus to Nowhere.

It was a chilly November night, with nothing but my phone and street lights to illuminate the way ahead to the bus stop. My phone displayed the time at 11:57pm and the night bus I usually took wasn't until 12:30am. I could see the usual bus stop close ahead, but strangely enough, I could hear a bus getting closer.

Not my bus, that's for sure. It wasn't due for another half an hour, they're **never** early.

At exactly midnight, the bus makes it to the stop I arrived at about a minute before. The doors swing open, there's a man sitting in the driver's seat, of course.

I thought this was just a hoax, an urban legend. A myth. But right in front of me, is the Midnight Bus to Nowhere.

The driver turns his head and looks at me. He smiles. "Hey, it's a cold night, are ya getting cold feet or something? Ha ha!" His voice is low and gravelly. I don't move.

He starts to look concerned. "You uh, you alright over there? C'mon, this bus'll take ya home." I don't respond.

Finally, he starts to get a bit angry at me. "Are you just gonna stand over there and waste my fucking time? Are ya getting on, or not? I have no problem leave **you** in the cold for who knows how long." I give into his demanding tone and board the Midnight Bus to Nowhere.

As I board, the bus driver smiles at me bashfully. "Ah, sorry about that. I've been awfully cranky today, having to work not only the night shift on a cold night, but a night shift on a cold night in a bus with crappy radio reception, hah!" He gestures to the empty bus seats. "Sit where you'd like, there's no one here to complain."

I fumble around in my pockets to find a few coins to pay the driver with when he tells me: "No need to worry about payment. Just sit down and we'll be off."

I move to the nearest seat and the doors close. The Midnight Bus to Nowhere began to move.

Before long, the streets and buildings didn't look familar at all. I know this, because I regularly go out with friends around the area the bus picked me up from. I practically know the place like the back of my hand.

They all feel discoloured and blander than how I remember.

In fact, the bus isn't even turning. Or speeding up. It's travelling straight ahead for what seems like forever.

My phone has no signal, and won't even turn on.

Despite the bus not actually going faster, I still **feel** like I'm going faster. Similar to what happens when you're on a plane and it's taking off, you're pushed back into your seat because of the speed.

I feel some push, not strong enough to force me into my seat but enough to struggle against.

The bus isn't going any faster. But it feels faster.

I clear my throat. "H-hey, where exactly are we going?".

The driver pivots his head at an angle to where he can see me ever so slightly and says: "Why, I thought you knew where we were going? You **did** board the Midnight Bus to Nowhere." He then grins at me.

Panic. "I-I swear I didn't know." Sweat.

His grin somehow gets larger. "Oh no, no, no, no, no. You're not aware, are you, hmm?" He pauses, then he chuckles. "You **_have_** to know about the Midnight Bus to Nowhere to _see_ the Midnight Bus to Nowhere. You poor, poor sap."

He gives out an amused noise and then looks forward at the road again. I look out the window to my right and the buildings are even duller than before and it looks like there's bloody scabs cutting into the walls.

I feel the same force before, but stronger, it's a genuine struggle to lean forward.

Taking a deep breath in, I again talk to the driver. "Hey, where are we going?"

This time he turns to me with a look of annoyance. "I thought I told you, by boarding the Midnight Bus to Nowhere you must know about the Bus to begin with. If you don't know about where you go... Then that's your fault I'm afraid."

I stand up, against the heavy force against me. "No-one has ever spoken anywhere about the destination nor this journey, only that I must never boa-"

" **But-** you did. Against all the warnings handed to you by others, you have failed to hear those warnings out and now here you are. At the mercy of the Midnight Bus to Nowhere." His head suddenly snaps all the way to look at me dead in the eyes before growling out: " **So sit down and shut up before I decide that your trip should end here.** "

By this point, I couldn't make out a single straight line outside, all the buildings outside were blurred and distorted.

"No, no. I want answers and I want _you_ to give them to me, now."

With a sharp and aggressive tone he quickly threatened me with: "You'll get your answers in due time, now _sit **DOWN**_ and everything will be fine."

I stomp over to him and grab him by the collar of his shirt. "No. You're answering me right now. Where is this bus going? Who the **fuck** are you and what is going on outside?

In responce he simply bursts out laughing in hysterics.

My patience was running thin.

"Y-you- think that's a-anywhere near threatening in the s-s-slightest?!" He was struggling to keep it together. Apparently, my attempts of threatening him were hilarious. "Your spindly fucking spaghetti arms wouldn't even dent my uniform!" Once more, he started laughing like he'd been told the funniest joke in the world.

He was trying to aggravate me and it was working. So I hit him.

Surprisingly, it shut him up and he looked at me in shock. "You-you actually hit me, in the face."

Looking smug, I tell him: "Yes, I did. Now answer me or else there'll be more where that came from."

Very quietly, he started to chuckle. "Oooooh... **I'll tell you alright.** I'll tell you all about the fate you're doomed to live out until who knows when. But I? I know exactly how I'll get out of here, because _**you're here.**_

I started to get increasingly angry with the driver. "Oh yeah? What's _that_ supposed to mean?"

"You're my ticket out of here." He broke free of my grasp and pushed me to the floor, placing a foot on my stomach. "Now, hold still."

Of course, I didn't. I grabbed his foot and made him lose balance, giving me enough time to scramble to my feet. Everything was spinning, I feel the dizziest I have ever been in my entire life. The bus was definitely moving fast now, way too fast for any bus to be travelling at and maybe even way too fast for any train.

"You're not leaving here. You can't leave here. **I am the driver, my trips are pleasant.** But I will _not_ deal with unruly passengers such as yourself."

He swings for me, somehow I manage to dodge out of the way. I can barely keep my balance. "You're... Not getting me tonight."

"Hah! Time has no concept here, I don't even know how long I've been here but I know I haven't aged in the slightest. This- this is Limbo, Purgatory, the void between. But I want out! You can keep struggling all you want, but you'll never get off the Midnight Bus to Nowhere.

This time, he goes to grab me. I can't move fast enough without falling over and he has me by my collar. "Ugh... F-Fuck you! You're not human!"

A light giggle emits from him. "You've only just figured that out? This place changed me. This... Prison! Changed me." He grins at me. "Now, I can finally be free and become normal again. I've yearned for this moment for years and now finally, **FINALLY** it's within my grasp. Freedom." He lets out a long breath. "Well, I'm finally leaving. You're taking my place now. You'll have to deal with the feeling of becoming less and less human the longer this goes on. But hey, look on the bright side! If you can get out, you'll be back to normal- just I'll be! Sorry for what's about to happen, but you're carrying this weight now." He stares deep into my soul, the colours of his eyes slowly turning a charcoal black and a strange black liquid begins to ooze from his bottom eyelid down his cheeks. I hear nothing but the ringing in my eyes and a static coming from nowhere. I hear a faint whisper dominate all other noise. "You're our new host now." Multiple things happen at once. It feels like a drill is breaking its way into my skull, the outside world is now nothing but bright colours speeding past as all I can smell is a thick blood iron scent and an agonizing chorus of damned souls screaming in pain is all I can comprehend before I pass out after several minutes of torment.

The last thing I hear, is a joyous "I'm free! At long, long last I'm free!" from an unfamilar voice.

Before long, I was the driver and my trips were pleasant. There was nothing else in my head. No thoughts. I am the driver. My trips are pleasant. However. I had an eternal craving to leave and regain who I used to be before that night. I couldn't control it. I _needed_ to be who I was again and I was willing to do anything for it.

No wonder why the previous driver had a few screws loose. It was driving me up the wall.

I can't remember what I had to do to replace myself with some other poor soul who stepped aboard and I will never know what happens to those who complete their journey to nowhere.

After I woke up back at the very same bus stop I boarded the Midnight Bus to Nowhere, it had been several weeks since anyone had seen me. Everyone was shocked to see me again, they thought I had died or just disappeared like several others did. Speaking of which, I will never know how some people just disappeared, if you're able to escape.

I don't quite feel the same after it though.

There is however, one thing I must stress.

Now that I've told you my recollection of events regarding the Midnight Bus to Nowhere...

If you're ever near a bus stop.  
If it's midnight.  
And if the driver is insisting you get on, to the point of being aggressive.

**Do not board the Midnight Bus to Nowhere.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!  
> This is the first of (hopefully) many more strange drabbles and etc stuff I choose to dump here!
> 
> Just to be 100% clear, not everything will be a story. It might just be I have an idea for some little event or something and want to write it down!
> 
> Thank you for reading to the end though :)
> 
> -Cipher


	2. The most dangerous boss.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A crew of adventurers finally corner a mad professor, protecting and using a powerful crystal after infiltrating his hillside facility...

"Ough- Aaaaah- Oof- urk- oomph- oohhh..."

A small man has fallen down a small flight of stairs after being kicked down them.

"Ugh... That hurt!"

"Give it up Professor Komisch! Your robots are no match for us. Just hand over the crystal and we'll be on our way."

A group of six people stood over Komisch, armed with a variety of weapons. Swords, bows, magical staffs and more.

"Eugh... The crrrrrystal you say? Ack..."

One of the group, knelt down so they were eye to eye with each other. "Yeah, you know which one we've been after. Everytime we've seen you here you've had it and ran off with it. So where is it now?"

A light chuckle comes from the stout professor. "You rrrrreally want **that** crystal, don't you?" He takes off his round glasses and wipes them. "Well my dearrrrrest frrrrriends, you'll have to prrrrry it from the cold and not technically dead but still kind of sentient metallic hands of my fiiiiiinest creation!"

The ground began to rumble beneath everyone's feet and the kneeling member stood up. "Get ready, I think it's another fucking robot."

"Oh! Great! We've disassembled plenty of robots, probably hundreds, what difference is a bigger one gonna make?"

Far off in the metallic corridors of the underground complex, a huge, bulky and humanoid machine was slowly stomping its way to the group's location and it was talking.

_"Uhhhhh... Hello? Is-uhhhh-Are you guys around here?"_

Sharing bewildered looks, the group then turned to the evil Professor Komisch. "You didn't, did you? There's no way you had the resources to build **that**!"

Bashfully, Komisch smiled. "Oh- well, that's nice to hear. You see, you make it sound like I didn't have access to a lot of rrrresources- which I do! So you must have clearly not thought I was the crrrrafty and rrrresourceful person that I am! Eh-he-he... what can I say rrreally? I wouldn't be an evil geeeenius without the ability to obtain bountiful loads of all sorts of resources, so thank you for indirrrrectly giving me an evil geeenius eeeego boost!"

Everyone just stared at Komisch with looks that had "What the fuck" written all over them. One in a red scarf turned to another with a faint scar on his cheek. "Leader, requesting permission to put this strange man 12 feet under." The other simply shook his head. "No, we might still need him. But for now we shou-"

_"Uhhh... You uh... You guys are sounding pretty uhh... loud. Are-Is-Are you guys uhhhhmm... Here?"_

_Stomp... Stomp... Stomp..._

"Ah shit... Well let's get ready guys, this'll be a tough fight."

The huge, hulking robot had finally found the group. It was the most horrifying creation any of them had ever seen. "What in fucknation..?" "My god, it's really him." "Fock me mate..." "Enemy sighted." "Power Rangers the Movie...!"

Komisch suddenly shouted. "That's right! Cower, COWER! Before my fiiiiinest crrreation! THE 08-AMABOT9000! AH HA HA HA- wait what did you just say?"

"At long last, we finally meet. The former 44th president of the United States turned into a metallic abomination. Barack Obama."

_"Uhhh yeah, it's uhhh me. Barack Obama. I-uhm... I'm uh gonna have to uhhh kill you now."_

The 08-AMABOT9000 STATS:  
ATK: 85  
DEF: 126  
AGL: 40  
LUK: 64  
HP: lots.  
MP: none, the 08-AMABOT9000 does not need magic.

**The 08-AMABOT9000 used intimidate! He poses menacingly in your direction!**

"Fock me mayte, that bugger's focking huuuge innit?"

"Power Rangers the Movie..."

"Not now mate."

"I think we'll need to retreat from this one."

"Are you sure Leader?"

"Yeah."

"Foine by me, this focker's way too big for a fair focking foight. Dickhead."

**You retreated from the battle!**

_**"Run for it!"** _

The crew fleed from The 08-AMABOT9000

"Hey, uhhhhh get back here!" _Stomp... Stomp... Stomp..._

The 08-AMABOT9000 followed the crew through the long and winding hallways of the giant underground robot factory ran by Professor Komisch, damaging countless objects in a desperate attempt to end the pursuit and catch the crew. Even other robots were getting out of the way and choosing to watch from afar, instead of attempting to help the 08-AMABOT9000. If they were to help, they would also be in it's way.

"This thing doesn't know when to give up!"

They had sprinted through numerous rooms and halls, weaving in and out of smaller sized rooms, as an attempt to shake the 08-AMABOT9000 off of them. The 08-AMABOT9000 was simply too powerful for them to handle at the moment.

"Oi lads, the exit's roight focking there!"

Ahead of them, like one had said, was the blinding light of the outside world pouring in from an open doorway.

"It's our only choice, come on everyone- we can make it."

"Hey uhhh where're you going? Get uhhh get- get back here uhhh please?"

"Fat chance, tin man!"

"That's Barack Obama to uhh you! Don't make me use my Komisch brand Ray O' Death on uhhhh all of you. Preferably."

Closer and closer they got to the exit, the closer and closer the 08-AMABOT9000 got to them. Until suddenly...

**CRASH!**

"What a fucking idiot."

They had made it through the small exit door to the outside, and the 08-AMABOT9000 had ran straight into a wall. This gave the crew ample time to gain more distance between them and the 08-AMABOT9000. So all six of them ran.

"Focking 'ell mate, that short little prick really had a smelly ace up his grubby sleeves, eh?"

"Yeah, we'll take it down in time. But for now, Barack Obama is simply too strong for us."

"I look forward to fighting Barack Obama, he seems like a worthy and powerful opponent."

"Whatever you decide leader, I trust you."

"Mhm."

"Power Rangers the Movie."

One of them turned to who had just spoken.

"You really can't say anything focking else. can you mate?"

So, the 08-AMABOT9000 never found them. Until the time they met again, but that's for another time. Probably.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I listened to Mongolian throat singing whilst writing the final few bits and cleaning the work up a bit, so that should give you an idea of my thought process behind this all.
> 
> Anyway, this is the first of my more silly drabbles I'm posting. I thought it was entertaining to read and write, as my sense of humor is stupid- but that's okay.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed reading this one!
> 
> \- Cipher


	3. End of the line.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An Agent catches up to a unique individual that had been causing a lot of trouble for his boss, Garrett.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while, so I thought I'd let out a few random spurs of creative energy here for a change.

"Heheheh..." A raspy and wheezing laugh belonging to an injured man sitting in a corner. One leg extended out, the other bent with his arm resting on it.

He looked up at the man he was talking to. "So, my time's finally up, is it? Ol' Garrett finally figure it out?"

The man he was talking to, looked down at him. "You've caused a lot of trouble for Mr Garrett, Ben." He flicked open the revolver he had in his right hand, and slotted in all 6 bullets with a speedloader. " _A lot-_ of trouble. I will go back and report everything you know to him. If you speak, maybe you'll have enough time to call and ambulance before you die of blood loss. If not, your head will look like swiss cheese." He snapped the chamber of his revolver back into place. "Now talk, or I'll just have to hunt everyone else down."

"You don't get it, do you, agent? I'm calling you that, by the way, fuck how you feel about it." Ben, the man on the floor, grinned at the agent. "You simply don't get it. 'Top agent' huh?" He let out another wheeze of a laugh. "Top fucking agent my ass. You can kill, you can fight, but you can't piece together anything. You may as well be a soldier."

"Spit it out." The Agent leveled his revolver against Ben's knee. "Now."

Another wheezy laugh. "Ah, ah, ah. What's the magic word, Mr Agent?" His grin widened.

"I'd like to get intel out of you before your kneecaps are blown off, fuckface. Now, answer me. What do you mean by 'I don't get it'?" Despite his tone, the Agent's expression remained the same.

"If you tell me afterwards how you found me, sure."

"Not like it'll matter, but sure. I'll have to kill you."

"Then so be it. Have you really not noticed, you're not the first assassin he's sent after me?" Ben's grin dropped, as his weary eyes stared at the Agent.

The Agent replied. "No. I was not aware." His expression still did not change. "Why does it matter?"

"Then let me guess." Ben now wore a shit eating grin on his face, like he had just gotten a royal flush in a game of high stakes poker. "Garrett told you this. 'I need you to track down and extract all intel from Ben Parado, whether or not you leave him alive is your choice. But I need intel and I need to stop these raids on my supplies. You are the best recommendation we've heard of, so we thought you'd be perfect for the job. Payment upfront, and a bonus after. You in?'" Ben narrowed his eyes at the Agent. "I bet my life he told you those exact words."

To Ben's amusment, the Agent's eyes widened a little in shock and the grip on his revolver loosened. "How- How the hell did you know that...? He told me that, exactly word for word." His grip tighted again and forcefully pointed the revolver at Ben's head. "Talk damnit! How do you know all of that?"

"I bet he paid you 120,000 credits upfront too, didn't he?"

"Fucking answer me!" Shouted the Agent. "How do you know all of this?"

"And I guarentee you his bonus is an extra 30,000 too. Say, did this meeting happen on floor 23, per chance?" Ben just kept grinning at the Agent.

"HOW?! How? How. How do you know any of this?"

"Sounds like I was right. I doubt you know why, so let me tell you. I beat it out of one of the other assassins."

"Pretty shit assassins then."

"You'd be surprised what pliers, nails and the threat of ruining his entire reptuation not just as an assassin- but as a person- can do."

"Nothing we're not trained for, we're not supposed to even let it get to that point. Cyanide capsules and all that."

"I did tear it out of his mouth, tooth included. He was spared, but ended up having to pick up his teeth with broken hands and arms, with what seemed like a nasty concussion, no nails and one eye." Ben paused. "Point is, kid. I've been around the block. I know how you assassins work. I also know everyone has their limits, a breaking point."

"You sick fuck. Intel, now."

"Fine, fine. Impatient. It's like you want to die. Raid, tomorrow, Southern docks. Site Harrison, I believe. 5pm at least. Now. You tell me, how'd you find me?"

"It's something I guess..." He cocked the hammer of his revolver. "I have to kill you after you hear this. You would've probably died anyway." That got a wheezy laugh out of Ben. "Not sure what's funny about that, but I found you by threatening the manager of a place you frequent. 'Piatti deliziosi', sound familiar? I... Asked, shall we say, for your whereabouts after I saw you leave from a distance once. Someone there sold out and said you were a regular. From there, I just waited and waited until you next visited and I stalked you back here."

Another wheezy laugh. "You really had to kill me after threatening my favourite Italian resturant and after I went there? No respect."

"You fucking amateur." Spat the Agent.

"Saying that to me? I've killed 23 of your lot." Ben Taunted. "There was one I mentioned earlier who I got info from, so I let him go."

"How'd you manage to kill all of them anyway? We're trained professionals."

"Easy. You wanna know the truth?"

"I'd like to."

Ben raised his head to look directly at the Agent. "The truth is, I fought them all before, but not you. How? Well-" He coughed. "This isn't the first time I've been killed. But this is a new record for me. 24 assassins and new intel on how to outsmart you next time around. Thanks kid. Now I'm gonna have to ask you to kill me."

"Bullshit."

"Believe what you want, I've told you my truth. You'll forget this in my next go around."

The Agent tightened his grip on the revolver and aimed at Ben's head. "End of the line, Ben. Any last words?"

Ben's grin only got wider, somehow. "For me? This is just the beginning."

**"But, for you- once you kill me, I could say the same thing."**

**_"End of the Line, Jack."_**

#  _**BANG!** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :)


End file.
